Just Passing Through

God's word through the prophet Isaiah spoke to me this morning, from chapter 43...

1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

"When you pass through", hmmm... not when you walk around or go over or slide under but... when you pass through. There are seasons of life that I would rather go around than pass through but I'm not always given that option.

I've learned and I am continuing to learn that faith isn't refined by going around or over or under. Faith isn't formed on the pathways of avoidance, denial or repression. Faith is formed by passing through - even when it's the fire.

• My path is set... so be it.
• The road is hard... so be it.
• The fire is hot... so be it.

I have been here before, so this I know - I WILL NOT be afraid and I WILL make it to the other side because...

• The Lord has created me!
• The Lord has formed me!
• The Lord has redeemed me!
  
• The Lord has called me by name and I am His!
• The Lord is with me!

With my eyes and my hope fixed on Him I run to the battle. See you on the other side my friends because I am only passing through!

(c) Tom Zawacki 2008

I Don't Understand

Some people are slow learners, I must be one of them. For years now I have been repeatedly learning the truths found in Isaiah fifty five verses eight and nine.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I'm convinced that God is good and he loves me - no question, but I must confess... I don't understand his thoughts or his ways.

Two months ago Nadine and I took another leap of faith, we left behind all that was safe and familiar and comfortable to begin another great adventure - working for John Paul Jackson overseeing the Association of Bridge Churches. Very exciting, what an honor.

Then cancer once again reared it's ugly head.

A regularly scheduled annual check up revealed a mass, Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma was back. Forty percent larger than the first time I was diagnosed back in February 2005. The treatment plan is the same; six rounds of chemotherapy (CVP/R), once every three weeks starting December 29th. If all goes well I should start feeling like myself again sometime in May '09.

I can only guess that for some reason, God in his infinite wisdom must have wanted me to receive treatment in Dallas, TX instead of Kennewick, WA. So many unusual things happened to help expedite the sale of our home getting us here sooner than expected. Any small bit of procedural red tape could have easily delayed our transition - but it didn't. Instead the sun, the moon and the stars seemed to align just right to get us here more quickly. So, here we are in a new place, with new doctors and new people facing an old battle.

I don't understand.

I don't have to understand to trust. I trust because He is good. I trust because He loves me. Maybe someday I will understand but today is not that day.

(C) Tom Zawacki 2008

A Psalm of David

Sometimes King David communicates my heart better than I ever possibly could, what more can I add...


Psalm 139


1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Amen

Promises Fulfilled

Jesus is our ultimate example in all things. His birth is the ultimate example of a prophetic promise fulfilled. Some of the greatest revelatory voices of all time prophesied the details of Jesus’ birth; Micah, Isaiah, Daniel, Jeremiah, Hosea and Judges just to name a few.

Consider the account of Jesus’ birth… The timing and circumstances of his birth were inconvenient to say the least. The pregnancy itself was socially unacceptable. The delivery was no doubt painful, very painful. This greatest of gifts came in an immature, infant form. As amazing as this gift was to all of mankind, there wasn’t any room for it. The setting and surroundings of this promises’ fulfillment were extremely messy and it was acommapined by supernatural signs and wonders.

Jesus’ birth is proof that our Father keeps his promises and He will keep his promises to you. It just might come in unexpected ways. It might be smaller than you thought it would be. It very well may be messier than you expected. It might be surrounded by crap and there may not be any room for it. If this is your story, be of good cheer, this just might be God at work in your life.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

© Tom Zawacki 2007

(Photo Credit Unknown)

Additional Thoughts on Finishing Well

By the grace of God and the ingenuity of man I have been able to live a convenient life. Between Wal-Mart, McDonalds, cable TV, the internet and credit cards I have or can easily get whatever I need and much of what I want. For the most part I see this as all good. However, there is a down side to a convenient life. Christian virtues such as perseverance and endurance are left undeveloped in a convenient environment.

It’s impossible to finish well without perseverance and endurance. Heck, it’s impossible to finish at all without them. I’m concerned that our American church culture has somehow equated difficulty with evil, sin and demonic attack. In other words, “if God was really in this, it would be easier”. Maybe not, maybe God is in the hard thing.

The journeys of every major biblical figure required perseverance and endurance. This includes Jesus himself as well as the first century church. It’s either naive or foolish to think we are some how immune.

Saint Paul viewed his difficulties very differently than we American Christians do…

“…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5

Hmmm… could it be that my inconveniences and my difficult circumstances are the very tools God’s using to produce in me the perseverance, character & hope I’ll need to finish well? Yes, it could well be. The easy way out usually isn’t God’s way.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. In the midst of chemotherapy I made the decision to enjoy the good days, endure the bad days and just keep going forward. This mindset has served me well through many challenges, be they physical, emotional, relational or spiritual.

Father, give me the grace I need to finish well. Develop in me the perseverance, character and hope I need to finish the race you have marked out for me. Help me to enjoy the good days, endure the bad days and just keep going forward. Please Father, allow me to see your hand in it all, amen.

© Tom Zawacki 2006

“Never, never, never give up!” Winston Churchill

Finishing Well

I’m a big fan of the New York Giants. Yes, please do pray for me. Today was painful. For three quarters the Giants were leading 21 – 0. In the fourth quarter they gave up 21 unanswered points. To add insult to injury, with 23 seconds left Eli Manning threw an interception leading to a game losing field goal.

My Giants didn’t finish well. Grrr….

Have you noticed that it’s much easier to start well than it is to finish well? It’s exciting to start a new endeavor. However, perseverance, dedication and endurance are required to see it to the end. My guess is that most people struggle to finish well, I know I do and obviously so do the New York Giants.

Saint Paul had the right attitude. Read his words from Acts 20…

“But there is another urgency before me now. I feel compelled to go to Jerusalem. I'm completely in the dark about what will happen when I get there. I do know that it won't be any picnic, for the Holy Spirit has let me know repeatedly and clearly that there are hard times and imprisonment ahead. But that matters little. What matters most to me is to finish what God started: the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God.” (The Message)

Even though he knew the path ahead was difficult, including hard times and imprisonment, Saint Paul still felt compelled to finish his race. What a man! I wish he was leading the Giants today. Chances are they would have finished well with him at the helm.

Father, help me to finish well. May the fourth quarter of my life be even better than the first quarter. Do whatever it takes to produce in me the dedication, perseverance and endurance I’ll need to lead my team to victory, amen.

Still in Pain

Yesterday was an interesting day. My back is still hurting. I had hoped to tough it out until Monday and contact my regular doctor but the pain was too much Friday night & Saturday morning.

I used Saturday morning to work on my Sunday sermon. In the process I had another powerful experience with the Lord. It was about an hour long experience. I hope to write about it later in the week.

For those of you who are wondering, no, I wasn’t on any pain meds for my back during this experience (grin).

By the afternoon I had endured all the pain I could and my wife took me over to our local medical quick care facility. They disagreed with the chiropractor and seemed to think my back pain is muscular. He gave me a script for an anti inflammatory, a muscle relaxant and some pain meds. I took the first two and left the pain meds (vicodin) aside, they still kicked my butt and I slept for 2 ½ hours. No dreams or visions while I was drugged (grin again).

For all you blog-o-maniacs out there, please send up a pray that my back heals up, this is getting old. Thanks.

PS. Happy Mothers Day!

Copyright © Tom Zawacki 2006

Thick Skin

(Occasionally I stumble upon an article that articulates my heart better than I can. This is just such an article, enjoy)

Thick Skin
by Ted Dekker
April 21, 2006

I remember my agent once telling me that I would have to develop a thick skin if I hoped to succeed as a writer. This was before I was first published and I wondered what on earth he was talking about.

Many years have passed and I now know what he meant. Writing is an art form, and like all art forms, subjective. There are always those few who hate what you do, and have no problem shooting their arrows. If a writer doesn't quickly develop a thick skin, they will soon fall to those arrows.

Every writer I've ever talked to carries deep wounds with them. Maybe a Publisher Weekly review written eons ago that characterized them as hardly more than a preschooler with a crayon. Or that one novel that an extremely conservative Sunday school board boycotted. Could even be the response of class mates to your very first short story, which you thought was pretty good, despite all their smirks.

I've often compared writing a novel to rowing a bathtub across the Atlantic, an metaphor taken from the industry. There's something terribly heart-wrenching about rowing that bathtub across the Atlantic, expecting to be met by a cheering throng, and instead being met with a mob of natives with bows and arrows.

What is especially disconcerting about the experience is that it happens every time! I've never yet arrived at the end of my long, exhausting journey across the Atlantic of storytelling and not been met by at least one crowd full of advice on how I should have rowed faster, or taken such and such a route, or arrived in a different bathtub, or not bothered rowing at all. The arrows always fly as I near the shore. Yet I have no choice by to land the tub, dodge the arrows and run to safety. Fourteen times now I have taken this journey. I'm a walking pin cushion.

My skin has grown thicker than it once was. Recently some angry soul wrote (and continues to write) numerous ugly reviews of House on Amazon.com under the guise of many different names. Oddly enough, I find it interesting more than disturbing. Even fun in a strange way. These arrows don't penetrate as they once may have, but others still do on occasion, and when they do, they hurt as much as that very first one.

This is the hardest part of being a writer. Skin only grows so fast and so thick. Just being honest -- I hope you don't mind me being so on this site.I have a novel called Saint that comes out in a few months and I am giddy about it. It's my best work, I'm sure about that. The story makes me grin every time I dwell on it. Surely everyone will agree!

Everyone except that one mob gathered on the far right, staring out to sea with squinted eyes, looking for my bathtub as it approaches so they can inform me of what could have been better this time.

But then, it's the same with all of us in our respective walks of life. We all need thick skin to survive this brutal world, don't we? We all face our mobs.

Question: How thick was Christ's skin?

(For more about Ted Dekker check out his website by clicking here)

Pain Tolerance Level

My back still hurts, bummer. I’ll see the Chiropractor again later today.

One of the few comfortable positions I can find is sitting in bed… so, I’ve set myself up in my king sized Tempur-Pedic with my laptop and the TV remote, hey what else does a man need?

While sitting here I went to Google and typed in the word “pain”, it seemed appropriate. The first site to come up was “this”. While checking out the www.pain.com site I discovered their glossary page. I clicked on it and typed in the word “pain”. I found this definition: An unpleasant sensory or emotional experience …seemed like fairly accurate to me. A little further down the page I saw the term “Pain Tolerance Level”. They defined it as:

“The greatest level of pain that a subject is prepared to tolerate”

I would add to it …until they’re willing do something about it. Most of us are willing to endure pain (unpleasant sensory or emotional experiences) up to a point. At that point we’re moved to action.

Sometimes that action is to withdraw as in removing our hand from the proverbial fire. Sometimes that action is grabbing for the bottle of Tylenol to manage the pain. Other times that action is to seek the necessary help in order to deal with the pain. That help may come from a trusted friend. If the pain is significant enough we may seek out the assistance of a skilled professional, in my case a chiropractor. I’m sure there are other options but let’s stay with these three for now. Withdraw, manage or seek help.

What do you do when your sensory or emotional experiences become unpleasant beyond the point you’re willing to tolerate? As I discovered and addressed in yesterday’s post, ignoring the problem doesn’t work. So, how about you… do you withdraw, manage or seek help?

I suspect that we do all three. We choose what seems like the easiest option first and move our way through the options until we find something that works. Unfortunately this means we may go around the same mountain again and again until we eventually deal with the real issue. Heck, I’ve been around some mountains so many times I’m dizzy!

When you think about it pain is a blessing. It’s a sign that something needs to be dealt with. So, where do you hurt? Why? And what are you going to do about it, withdraw, manage or seek help?

A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory. Matthew 12:20

Copyright © Tom Zawacki 2006

Pain

About a month ago I was moving an extension ladder, placing it on the roof rack of my Ford Explorer. As I lifted it above my head I felt something pull in the middle of my back. Oh the joy of being in my mid forties. It has been bothering me ever since. Like most men, I thought if I ignored it long enough if would just go away by itself… alas, I was wrong. So, my wife graciously made an appointment for me to visit her chiropractor, he has been very helpful to her in the past.

I arrived on time for my appointment, filled out the obligatory paper work, was interviewed, examined and adjusted. The doctor made some adjustments realigning my back and hips, I immediately felt better. Unfortunately yesterday I was once again in pain, today it’s even worse. Actually, I’m in more pain now than before the office visit.

Hmm… so what profound lessons are there to be learned in all of this? Glad you asked. I’ve discovered that even when the needed adjustments are made to realignment my soul and spirit, there may be some residual pain. Change, even beneficial change isn’t pain free.

Pain let’s me know that further adjustments are needed, that more work needs to be done. What will I do with the pain? Well, I’ve already discovered that ignoring it doesn’t work (grin). I could medicate myself and mask the pain; however that will not resolve the cause of the pain and could actually allow me to cause greater damage.

Logically, the best course of action is to deal with the cause of the pain, resolve the real issue and strengthen the surrounding areas so as to prevent future injury. Easier said then done. The problem is that when I’m in pain I’m not very logical. In fact I’m usually emotional and all I want is for the pain to stop.

Lord, you know my heart. You know my pain. Come; adjust me until I’m aligned with your Spirit. I submit myself to your hands. Amen.

Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life. The person who aligns with me hungers no more and thirsts no more, ever. John 6:35 The Message

Copyright © Tom Zawacki 2006

Angels on Assignment

More than 25 years ago I began reading a book about the life of Roland Buck. The name of the book was “Angels on Assignment”. I recall being completely fascinated by Buck’s supernatural encounters, thinking how “cool” it would be if I could have those same experiences. At the time I was a young and very impressionable 16 year old Christian.

While attending our weekly prayer meetings in the basement of Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Brooklyn, NY a well meaning older believer saw me carrying a copy of “Angel’s on Assignment” along with my Good News Bible. The man, whose name I no longer remember, cautioned me in a very stern manner against reading this book. That it was filled with lies and deception. Not knowing any better I put the book aside and along with it my desire for the supernatural.

It took over 20 years for that desire to be restored. As you have read from previous posts God has been doing some amazing things in my life and I am eternally grateful, however, I can’t help but wonder what might have been or what I may have missed over that quarter of a century?

I never threw away that copy of Angel’s on Assignment. I’ve held on to it all these years and can see it on my bookshelf from here. This book was the spark that lit a fire within me and I want to share it with you. The book is available free online, you can read it online or download it and print yourself a copy. Roland’s daughter Sharon White has even written a sequel “The Man Who Talked with Angels” and you can read it online for free as well.

May this book spark your passion for God as it did mine…

Copyright © Tom Zawacki 2006

Ted Dekker

Short blog today, I saw an orthopedist for a hand condition called “trigger finger” and he gave me a couple surprisingly painful cortisone shots in my right hand. My hand is tender and a little swollen so, typing isn’t fun at the moment.

This spiritual journey I’ve been on has caused me to explore freedom, passion and creativity in new and different ways. One creative outlet I have thoroughly enjoyed has been reading the work of Ted Dekker. He’s a Christian Author who enjoys going out side the box. His Circle Trilogy: “Black”, “Red” & “White” was awesome. It spoke to my heart powerfully about the Bridegroom’s passionate love for the bride. I’ve also enjoyed “Three” which is being made into a movie. “Blessed Child” has been my favorite so far, narrowly beating out the Circle Trilogy. The purity of the main character Caleb and his ability to walk in the Spirit provoked me to jealousy (in a good way). …And I’m about 75 pages away from finishing “A Man Called Blessed”. I plan to read everything he’s written

Do yourself a favor and check out his website. Do yourself a bigger favor, get hold of anything Dekker has written and read it! You too will be blessed.

Copyright © Tom Zawacki 2006

“In essence, my books boil down to God's pursuit of man, and man's pursuit of God. My protagonists are rarely Christians, but rather people thrust into extraordinary situations that ultimately lead them to God. Fiction allows me to put flesh on dogma and make this pursuit real”.
Ted Dekker

**UPDATE** Check out these “TED ESSAYS” He’s speaking my language!

Outside the Box; Inside the Circle

Peering Into the American Church

Observations on the Bubble

The Preacher & The Eggs

Do you suffer from PBC? I’ll get back to that in a second, first a quick joke.

The Preacher & The Eggs

There's this preacher and one day he's running around the house looking for his tie. While looking in closet he found this shoe box, opening it up he found 3 eggs and $100 in cash.

He turned to his wife and asked what it was. She replied, "Well I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

The preacher said, "Well, what is it and why would it hurt my feelings?"

She replied, "I've been keeping this box for 25 years, since we got married. Every time you've preached a bad sermon I've put one egg in this box."

The preacher thought, well that's not too bad, 3 bad sermons in 25 years. Then he asked, "Well, what's the $100 for?"

His wife replied, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1"


I’m not sure if my wife has a similar shoe box in our closet however, if she did, there would have been an additional egg in it this afternoon. Over the past 20 years I’ve preached hundreds, maybe thousands of sermons, today wasn’t one of the better ones.

As expected the church was full for Easter, I have wonderful people. Worship was awesome, as usual. I had prepared well, I liked what I had planned to say but, I just couldn’t get there. There seemed to be a disconnect somewhere between my heart, my head and my mouth. I don’t know, maybe there was a disturbance in the force? My people love me and are willing to extend me lots of grace, for that I am thankful.

As a younger man, still a novice at leading Sunday morning worship, I would play the wrong guitar chord or sing the wrong note and it would ruin my whole day. Heck it would ruin part of Monday as well. Twenty years later I’ve mellowed a bit and learned a few things.

Although I strive for excellence in serving the Lord and my desire is to offer my people fresh spiritual bread, sometimes I’m just going to miss it. Scripture says that His mercies are new every morning. That comforts me; every day is a new beginning.

I’ve also learned a few things about grace. Grace is the antidote for PBC, Performance Based Christianity. What does that mean? That means I get to be real, I get to be genuine, I get to be honest. It means I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to always look good and neither do my people. Now that’s freedom!

Paul wrote to the church in Rome:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

I think it’s theologically sound to find room in those verses for a lousy sermon.

To all my people, thanks for loving me and pray for fresh bread.

Copyright © Tom Zawacki 2006