The Dark Side of Submission

The Dark Side of Submission

Wednesday, 04 November 2009 10:36 AM EST J. Lee GradyNewsletters - Fire In My Bones

Christian teaching on male headship is often used as a weapon against women. This abuse must be confronted.

Last week during a ministry trip to Hungary I heard a painfully familiar story. Through a translator, a tearful young woman living near Budapest explained that her Christian husband was angrily demanding her absolute submission. This included, among other things, that she clean their house according to his strict standards and that she engage in sexual acts with him that made her feel uncomfortable and dirty.

This lady was not demanding her rights or trying to be disrespectful. She was a godly, humble woman who obviously wanted to please the Lord. But she had been beaten to a pulp emotionally, and she was receiving little help from her pastor—who was either unwilling or unprepared to confront wife abuse.

"Traditionalists assume that a Christian marriage is defined as a dominant husband who makes all family decisions while the wife graciously obeys without input. Yet Scripture actually portrays marriage as a loving partnership."

I've heard so many sickening versions of this scenario. In Kenya recently, several women told me their AIDS-infected husbands often raped them—and then their pastors told them they must submit to this treatment. In some parts of India, even some pastors believe it is acceptable to beat their wives if they argue with them or show any form of disrespect. And in some conservative churches in the United States, women are told that obedience to God is measured by their wifely submission—even if their husbands are addicted to alcohol or pornography, or if they are involved in adulterous affairs.

This distortion of biblical teaching has plunged countless Christian women into depression and emotional trauma. I'm not sure which is worse: The harsh words they hear from their husbands, or the perverse way the Bible is wielded as a leather belt to justify domestic abuse. Here are three truths we must uncover in order to solve this problem:

1. Marriage is not a hierarchy. Traditionalists assume that a Christian marriage is defined as a dominant husband who makes all family decisions while the wife graciously obeys without input. Yet Scripture actually portrays marriage as a loving partnership and refers to the wife as a "fellow heir of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7, NASB). And the apostle Paul taught that in the realm of sexuality, husbands and wives share equal authority over each other's bodies (see 1 Cor. 7:4). In other words, submission in this most intimate part of a marriage covenant is mutual, and this same mutuality is the key to any happy marriage; it fosters respect, communication and an enduring bond.

2. Headship is not a license to control. Traditionalists also cite Ephesians 5:23 to remind wives that their husbands are their "heads"—and they believe this term requires some type of dictatorial control in marriage. Yet the Greek word used in this passage, kephale, does not have anything to do with heavy-handed authority and it cannot be used to enforce male domination. Neither does it imply male superiority. The word can either mean "source" (as in the source of a river) or "one who leads into battle" (as a protector).

Neither original definition of this word gives room for abuse. Headship, in its essence, is not about "who's the boss." Rather it refers to the Genesis account of Eve being taken from Adam's side. The husband is the "source" of the wife because she originated from him, and she is intimately connected to him in a mystical union that is unlike any other human relationship.

3. Men who abuse their wives are out of fellowship with God. 1 Peter 3:7 is clear: "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so your prayers will not be hindered." Wife abuse is no trivial sin. Any man who berates his wife, treats her as inferior or engages in abusive behavior (including hitting, kicking, raping, cursing at or threatening punishment) will jeopardize his fellowship with the Lord. He will feel frustrated and convicted until he repents.

(And in the same way, I believe, pastors who silently support abusive husbands by refusing to confront the behavior—or by telling women to submit to the pain—participate in this sin and could find their own prayers hindered.)

Truly Christian marriages, according to the apostle Paul, involve a tender, servant-hearted and unselfish husband who (1) loves his wife "just as Christ also loved the church;" (2) loves her as his own body; and (3) loves her as himself (see Eph. 5:25, 28 33). He stands alongside his wife in faithfulness, and she joyfully respects her husband because he can be trusted. And the two become one.

If we are to uphold this golden standard, we must confront abuse, shelter its victims and provide the tough love and counseling necessary to heal troubled relationships. And we have no business telling women to stay in marriages that actually could put them or their children in danger.

J. Lee Grady is editor of Charisma. You can find him on Twitter at leegrady.

New York, New York

The Brooklyn Bridge

Well, it's official, after 16 years, Nadine and I are moving back to New York! We heading back home to pastor the Lighthouse Bridge Christian Fellowship. The church is located in Suffolk County, Lindenhurst to be exact. It's about 45 minutes east of the Brooklyn house where I grew up.

We have been warmly welcomed by both family and friends. We are excited to start this new great adventure. Nadine and I will make a second visit the first week of April in hopes of securing some housing and them make the actual move by May 1st.

Though our time here in Texas has been brief, I know it was God will for us to be here. We leave this place healthier, stronger, with great new friends and the blessing of John Paul Jackson. God has indeed been very good to us.

Please pray for us, the wonderful people at the Lighthouse Bridge and their former pastors: Rick & Kari Pavlovsky (great people), that we all navigate this season of transition and change well.

Thanks!
Tom

31 Years amd Counting

Thirty one years ago today a very cute girl with long dark hair and hazel eyes ask me to take her to her junior prom, I said yes and (with the exception of Jesus) it was the best decision of my life. Three years later after much begging and pleading I made her my wife. Since that day, together we have been through many good times and bad, times of abundance and lack, nights of sickness and days of health... but we have done it all together.

Honey, I was too sick the past few days to get you a card for our special day so I thought I would just post a few thoughts of my own.

Nadine my love, thank you for..

Thirty one amazing years
Two incredible children
Following me across the country and back
Always saying yes to God
Sometimes saying no to me
Sitting with me through all those hours of chemo
Enjoying the good days with me
Enduring the hard ones
And for always going forward
Thank you for bending but never breaking
For being so quick to forgive
And so ready to love
Thank you for being my lover
My best friend
The keeper of my secrets
My guardian of my heart
My protector of my hopes and dreams
Thank you for believing in me when I can't
For pushing me when I won't
And for jumping with me when I jump
I love you today
I have always loved you
I will love you with my last breath
And after that, I will always remain... forever yours

Happy 31st Dating Anniversary Sweetheart,
You really are an amazing woman and I'm so very glad you're mine!
Baby, you're the best!
Tom

Prisoner of Circumstance

Great News!

My wife Nadine Zawacki has published her first novel!

Prisoner of Circumstance

And get this, you can purchase your very own copy right now on Amazon.com.
That's right, Prisoner of Circumstance is available on Amazon.com!

To celebrate the release Nadine is giving away three FREE copies of her book & she's giving you four chances to win! All you have to do is…

1. Leave a comment on Nadine's Prisoner of Circumstance Giveaway post.

2. Become a fan of “Nadine” on Facebook.

3. Post about Nadine's giveaway on your blog and leave a comment on her blog letting her know or…

4. Become a follower of Nadine's blog (see her side bar)

Multiply your chances of winning by doing all four!


Nadine will announce the giveaway winners
Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Happy Father's Day

A Dad wears many hats; one of them is that of the wise counselor. A good Dad is always ready to offer wise, godly counsel to his sons and daughters. On this Father’s day I offer 12 nuggets for your consideration…

1. Pursue Freedom

Christ paid a huge price for your freedom, take advantage of it, settle for nothing less and live it to the full.

2. Love Extravagantly

You were created by Love, for love and to love – it’s why you are here. Love with all you got and hold nothing back – Jesus didn’t. Of course you’ll get hurt, but its worth it! After you’ve been hurt, love again, the deepest love is the post wound love – it’s the most genuine and often the most passionate.

3. Forgive Quickly

Unforgiveness is like cancer, you don’t want it inside you. Keep short accounts with God and man. Life is way too short to waste on guilt, shame, anger, resentment or bitterness.

4. Respect Everyone

Maybe it’s a New York thing? For me, respect is a high personal value. Some people are worthy of your respect and some aren’t, however, treating them with respect says more about you then it does about them.

5. Dream Big

Dream God sized dreams. Don’t ever be satisfied with fear based, man sized dreams. Nothing is impossible for God and nothing is impossible with God.

6. Don’t Quit

Of course life is hard but your dreams are worth it. Enjoy the good days, endure the bad days and just keep going forward. Your circumstances don’t define you, don’t let them stop you.

7. Take Risks

You’ll never learn to fly with your feet on the ground and walking on water requires leaving the boat. Nothing great has ever been accomplished by playing it safe. God has lots of grace for mistakes, go for it!

8. Live Supernaturally

We are tripartite beings: physical, emotional and spiritual. There is another dimension all around us – the realm of the Spirit. It’s scary wonderful, it’s exciting, it’s where we will live forever and it’s available to you now.

9. Explore Creativity

Try new things, write, paint, sculpt, sing… you’re never too old. Creativity adds color to life, play with the colors – God is really into color.

10. Give Generously

Of your time, your talents and your treasure. Have you ever met a stingy person that you liked? It’s in the nature of God to be generous and His nature is alive in you. Take the best of what God has given you and then give it all away.

11. Embrace Passion

If creativity adds color to life, passion adds fire. Don’t fear godly passion, embrace it. It’s the rocket fuel for your journey and the God given homing device to your destiny. What are you passionate about? Go that way!

12. Know God

It’s the most important of them all. Above and before everything else be a “Friend of God”. Ministry is a poor substitute for intimacy, don’t settle. Cultivate that relationship in everyway you know how, learn new ways and then cultivate it some more. It will cost you everything but it’s still the best deal in the universe.

Happy Father’s Day

© Tom Zawacki 2008

30 Amazing Years!

Thirty years ago today I remember waiting for you to arrive. I was on a mission, a mission from God. I knew you’d show up, I just didn’t know when, so I watched and I waited and I watched some more. Peeking through stacked cans of juices and vegetables. Looking over and around wooden display cases brimming with fresh orange, red, brown, green and yellow produce. As the morning pressed on I became increasingly eager for your arrival and then, as without notice, I caught a glimpse of you between the neatly stacked five pound bags of russet potatoes and the three pound bags of yellow onions.

It was only a second but I knew it was you, even from across the street between four lanes of traffic; a lock of your beautiful auburn hair caught my eye as you turned into the local pizzeria, best girl friend Julianna in tow. You didn’t stay long with those handsome Italian boys but too long for my taste. I watched as you proceeded down the street, crossed at the light, waited for one more traffic light to change and then… and then you were headed my way, finally heading right for me.

I postured myself outside in the cool February daylight, leaning against an overflowing vegetable stand, legs nonchalantly crossed at my ankles and arms folded across my chest. A smile I could not contain betrayed the confidence I felt that bright Saturday morning. You see, the night before God told me that you were the one, I knew it was Him and I knew He meant you.

The following moments would forever change my world and I’ve never been happier. A beautiful young woman with amazing exotic eyes, beautifully long hair and GREAT legs walked right up to me. She looked me in the eye and oozing with girlish charm asked me to escort her to her junior prom. Without a moment’s hesitation I said yes and the rest, as they say, is history.

Thirty years, two amazing kids, three houses, three churches and thousands of lives later, I love you more today then every before. You’re my wife, my partner, my lover and my very best friend. Thank you for asking, thank you for risking, thank you for believing, thank you for saying “I DO” that one special day and “I Will” so many days since.

I love you Nadine Marie, I always have and I always will…

Forever Yours,

Tom

© Tom Zawacki 2008

(Photo Credit: Photo Booth, Kings Plaza Shopping Mall, Brooklyn, NY circa 1978)

His Needs

My last post covered the five basic needs of a woman based on Dr. Willard Harley popular book “His Needs, Her Needs”. Today we’ll look at the five basic needs of a man.

His Needs

1. Sexual Fulfillment

Now, let's look at the five needs husbands have. The first is sexual fulfillment. The typical wife doesn't understand her husband's deep need for sex anymore than the typical husband understands his wife's deep need for affection. But these two ingredients can work very closely together in a happy, fulfilled marriage. Sex can come naturally and often, if there is enough affection.

2. Recreational Companionship

The second need for a man is recreational companionship. He needs her to be his playmate. It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching sports and movies they would never have chosen on their own.
After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. But this option is very dangerous to a marriage, because men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. Among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.

3. An Attractive Spouse

A husband's third need is an attractive spouse. A man needs a wife who looks good to him. Dr. Harley states that in sexual relationships most men find it nearly impossible to appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone--there must be more. A man's need for physical attractiveness in a mate is profound.

4. Domestic Support

The fourth need for a man is domestic support. He needs peace and quiet. So deep is a husband's need for domestic support from his wife that he often fantasizes about how she will greet him lovingly and pleasantly at the door, about well-behaved children who likewise act glad to see him and welcome him to the comfort of a well-maintained home.
The fantasy continues as his wife urges him to sit down and relax before taking part in a tasty dinner. Later the family goes out for an evening stroll, and he returns to put the children to bed with no hassle or fuss. Then he and his wife relax, talk together, and perhaps watch a little television until they retire at a reasonable hour to love each other. Wives may chuckle at this scenario, but this vision is quite common in the fantasy lives of many men. The male need for his wife to "take care of things"--especially him--is widespread, persistent, and deep.

5. Admiration

The fifth need is admiration. He needs her to be proud of him. Wives need to learn how to express the admiration they already feel for their husbands instead of pressuring them to greater achievements. Honest admiration is a great motivator for men. When a woman tells a man she thinks he's wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He sees himself capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level.

If any of a spouse's five basic needs go unmet, that person becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. Therefore, the best way to prevent adultery is to meet the needs of your spouse and make your marriage strong.

Her Needs

In last Sunday’s sermon I referenced Dr. Willard Harley popular book “His Needs, Her Needs”. In it, Dr. Harley lists the five basic needs of men and women. Because of the interest generated, I’ve decided to post the list here. I didn’t write this article, I found it online months ago. My attempt to relocate the source was unsuccessful, my apologies to the author. We’ll start with “Her Needs”

Her Needs

1. Affection

First, let's look at the five needs of a wife. The first need is for affection. To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages: (1) I'll take care of you and protect you; (2) I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you; (3) I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.

Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them. A hug can communicate all of the affirmations of the previous paragraph. But, affection can be shown in many ways such as: kisses, cards, flowers, dinners out, opening the car door, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls--there are a thousand ways to say "I love you." From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man.

2. Conversation

The second need is conversation. Wives need their husbands to talk to them and to listen to them; they need lots of two-way conversation. In their dating life prior to marriage, most couples spent time time showing each other affection and talking. This shouldn't be dropped after the wedding. When two people get married, each partner has a right to expect the same loving care and attention that prevailed during courtship to continue after the wedding. The man who takes time to talk to a woman will have an inside track to her heart.

3. Honesty & Openness

The third need is honesty and openness. A wife needs to trust her husband totally. A sense of security is the common thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. If she can't trust the signals he sends, she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to him, she always feels off balance; instead of growing toward him, she grows away from him.

4. Financial Commitment

Financial commitment is a fourth need a wife experiences. She needs enough money to live comfortably: she needs financial support. No matter how successful a career a woman might have, she usually wants her husband to earn enough money to allow her to feel supported and to feel cared for.

5. Family Commitment

The fifth need is family commitment. A wife needs her husband to be a good father and have a family commitment. The vast majority of women who get married have a powerful instinct to create a home and have children. Above all, wives want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to commit themselves to the moral and educational development of their children.

Mid Life Crisis

Monday night my wife and I went out to dinner with some good friends. Over dessert our conversation turned to men and their mid life crises’. This reminded me of a book I had read years ago while navigating my own mid life crisis. The final chapter of John Sterner’s “Growing Through Mid-Life Crisis” list seven valuable pointers for men. For years I had these helpful reminders pasted to my desk.

1. Stop Trying to Figure it All Out
2. Don’t Look Back
3. Enjoy Yourself
4. Improve Yourself
5. Commit Yourself to a Cause
6. Involve Yourself with Others
7. Face the Facts, You are Getting Older

It was amazing how many times one of these seven simple tips would be exactly what I needed. As a matter of fact, they still speak to me, maybe they’ll speak to you as well, enjoy.

© Tom Zawacki 2007

Man vs. Boy

Here are a few insights I shared with my people last week.

Man vs. Boy

There is a difference between men and boys. The difference is easily discerned by recognizing the directional flow of life & strength. Boys derive strength & life from the woman while men give life and strength.

From the womb and at the breast a boy derives life and strength from his mother. A man on the other hand, literally inserts life and strength into his wife creating life.

Boys take selfishly.
Men give selflessly.

Weakness & Strength

I’ve never seen a healthy marriage where the woman is spiritually and emotionally stronger than the man. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, but in my 47 years I’ve never seen it.

Here are two unhealthy and dysfunctional ways that men interact with women. First, they use their weakness to manipulate the woman drawing upon her compassion and her maternal instincts for his selfish gain. Second, they control and dominate the woman treating her like a child. This is actually a poor attempt at masking their fears and insecurities, it’s really weakness disguised as strength.

A truly healthy relationship is made up of equal partners who love, trust and respects one another. This is what’s known as being equally yoked.

Q&A

Question: How does a weak man put strength into a strong woman?
Answer: He can’t. He must become stronger.

Question: How does a man become stronger?
Answer:
1. He cultivates a passionate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.
~ He spends time in God’s presence.
~ He’s a worshipper.
~ He prays for his loved ones, for his friends, for his enemies.
~ He knows the word of God – he reads it, meditates on it and studies it.
~ He’s generous with his time, energy and money.
~ He’s humble.
~ He has a servant’s heart.
~ He’s sensitive to the leading and moving of the Holy Spirit.

2. He takes responsibility for his life
~ He tenaciously pursues healing of his hurts and wounds
~ Especially the wounds created by his father.

3. He refuses to allow his past to dictate his future.
~ He learns from both the good and bad experiences of his life
~ He learns how to be a Godly man, husband and father from both the positive and negative role models in his life.

Sex and Romance

A woman will give sex to receive romance/love
A man will give romance/love to get sex.

Men, this is evil, don’t do it!

Manipulation - Men
Because she has a strong maternal instinct and a compassionate heart, a woman may be attracted to a broken and wounded man. However, if he remains broken and wounded, she will lose respect for him and grow to despise him. A man may “play” a woman by faking weakness, thus pulling on her maternal instincts to get his way.

Men, this too is evil, don’t do it!

Manipulation - Women
A man may love the experience of being a white knight in shinning armor who rescues a damsel in distress. However, if he has to rescue her, and rescue her, and rescue her, and rescue her – the relationship gets old and wearisome and the man loses respect for the woman. Rescuing is wonderful but it should not become the on going model and standard of your relationship.

When considering a mate give thought to the verbiage of the traditional wedding vows:
In the Name of God, I, ____ take you, ____., to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

All relationships are easy in the better, richer and healthier times. The true test of a relationship comes in the worse, poor and unhealthy times!

In Ephesians 5 Paul challenges husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, I ask you this question, how did Christ love the church?

He laid down his life for her.

It wasn’t all about Him.

Men, it’s not all about you.

I challenge every man who reads this post – love your wife as Christ has loved you! Lay down your life for her. That’s our standard, she's worth it, let’s do it.!

© Tom Zawacki 2007

**Note** The article was heavily influenced by the writing of John Eldredge, especially "Wild at Heart"

A Stroll Down Memory Lane…

About ten years ago I wrote my wife a letter to celebrate our life together. Today we celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary and I thought it was worth a reprint for a larger audience. Nadine, I love you. Thank you for making the past 26 years the best of my life. Come with me; let’s take a stroll down memory lane…

Dearest Nadine,

I can hardly imagine my life without you in it. When I consider all that is right and good and holy in my world I see you there. Your love for me has been the grace of God to me in my darkest days. You have taught me how to live and how to laugh. You have brought joy to the life of this intense boy, man and now old man. I love you Nadine. You are priceless and precious to me. I have never been loved by anyone the way you love me. I often wonder why I am so blessed. God has been very good to me and you are the best example of His goodness.

So much has happened in the past 20 years. I remember God telling me you were the one and a cute girl asking me to the prom this very day 20 years ago. I can remember our first dance and our first kiss. You were so beautiful that day at your sister’s. As the years went on your Dad never made things easy but you were always worth it and besides I can understand him better now! I remember buying an engagement ring and the joy of placing it on your finger. Wow… I love you so. I can see, even now in my minds eye, the most beautiful bride ever to walk down an aisle. I remember whipped cream fights and learning that whipped cream removes paint from freshly painted walls. I remember the joy of discovering that I would be a Dad and seeing that little face for the first time. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being father to both Lisa and Tommy. I remember seeing you in the hallway after Tommy was born and telling you that you did good! I remember a wife who had enough faith in her God and her husband to leave behind all that was safe and familiar to follow my dream and God’s call to West Virginia.

Nadine the past five years have been the hardest of our lives yet the best because I love you more today then ever before. I love you more now that I ever dreamed I could love. I know how much you have suffered and I see all your sacrifice. The way you support me is beyond my ability to understand yet I am so very grateful. I could never make it without you. If the Lord tarries and he is gracious to us, we may have another 50 years together. I can think of no other women on this planet that I would rather spend these next five decades with. Would you grace me by stating at my side? I know the road behind us has been rough and the road ahead seems just as hard, but together we are sure to make it.

Nadine; thank you for make the last 20 years the best 20 years. Thank you for loving God and loving me. Thank you for Lisa and Tommy. They are amazing kids. I am so proud of them and they reflect the best of who you are. Thank you for believing in me when I can’t and kicking me in the butt when I won’t. Thank you for being who you are and for being mine. This one thing I want you to always remember, that no matter what happens or where we go or what we do… I will always be…

Forever Yours,
Tom

© Tom Zawacki 2007

Letting Go

About a year ago I posted an article titled “The Winds of Change” The Lord revealed to me in the twilight of the morning that…

“The winds of change were coming… that I needed to hold lightly to people, possessions and positions. That my hands needed to be free to catch what was coming on the wind”

This morning I experienced the painful truth of those words. My son moved to Los Angles to pursue a film career. Now, I’ve encouraged him throughout his life to follow his dreams and I knew this day was coming; I was just caught by surprise by how painful it was.

I had somehow convinced myself that doing the right thing at the right time would somehow make letting go less painful, it didn’t. I can’t help but wonder… how painful will the next thing be?

Nadine and I are extraordinarily proud of our son. He’s talented, passionate and extremely focused. He’s got what it takes and we believe in him, he’ll do just fine. These truths numb the pain a little, but just a little. (You can read Na’s take on it all here) I pray that my hands will remain open in spite of the pain.

Father with open hands I give you everything, all my people, all my possessions and every position. But most of all, this day, I give you my son. Grant him grace and favor on this new adventure. May he find you and his destiny on the way, amen.

© Tom Zawacki 2007

Twenty-One

There aren’t many rites of passage for American men. In religious circles it’s sometimes marked by baptism or bar mitzvah. In earlier cultures this coming of age was signified by the killing of a wild beast. In more modern times it’s marked by the day a young man receive his driver’s license or the day he leaves home for college. For others still, it’s marked by the passing of time, say a birthday, usually numbers 18 or 21. Today my son, my only son turns 21.

Though my son turns 21 today, he became a man a long time ago. He left home at age 17 to pursue his dream of becoming a film maker. The day I knew my son was a man was the day I saw that he was willing to pay the price to achieve his dreams.

Dream big dreams my son. Aim high and give it all you’ve got. I know you will make it. When I look at you I see a man, a real man, a man of character and integrity. I see a strong man who’s definitely got what it takes. I’m extraordinarily proud of you. I believe in you. I see the gifts and talents you possess and I’m impressed, big time. I admire your passion and I envy your creativity. Yes my son, dream big dreams for you were created to reach them!

Happy Birthday…

I love You…

Dad

© Tom Zawacki 2006

Time to go home…

While shaving yesterday morning I realized that I was looking into the same mirror, that more than 30 years earlier, I had looked into as I shaved for the very first time. Only now the face was older and grayer with more chin hair than hairs on my head. It was clear that time had passed, life had changed, I had changed.

Returning to my childhood home, seeing my Dad and my siblings brought back many memories. It was good to see family, old familiar places and old friends. Later today it will be nice, real nice to see my wife and daughter. Life goes on.

I had expected to have a divine appointment on this trip and I had two. I had hoped God would speak to me in the land of my fathers and he has. I returned to discover I was right to leave. Am I ready for this next phase of the journey? No more so that any other phase but, I am older and maybe a little bit wiser.

It has helped to go back as I look forward. The realization that I have come so far encourages me, giving me confidence to forge ahead. Like so many others I sense a shift in the Spirit and I feel challenged to step up. This trip has brought to mind St. Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 13:11

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

I return to my adult home from my childhood home with a renewed passion for the road ahead. Brooklyn is in my blood, always has been always will be but God is calling, adventure awaits and my heart will not be denied. In weaker moments I might consider taking the safer path or the easy way out but Fugheddaboudit, it’s not how I was made, it's not how I was raised.

Heavenly Father, bless my earthly father and help me to father those you have entrusted to my care. Give me the wisdom I need for this next leg of my journey. Give me eyes to see who and what and how. Grant me courage and faith to say yes and yes again and yes again… amen.

© Tom Zawacki 2006

Real Pizza, Real Bagels and Real Life

I had two delicious authentic New York bagels for breakfast yesterday morning. Shortly afterwards my brother Ricky took me into the city. We took the B train to Times Square with it’s new building sized TV screens. We went to the ESPN Zone where he kicked my butt in two sports games. We followed that up with some real N Y pizza from famous Rays. I had a regular slice, a slice of Sicilian and chased it down with an ice cold beer. Ricky had the same. We could have gone home then and the day would have been perfect, but then Ricky asked me if I wanted to go to Ground Zero.

I left New York more than 13 years ago and hadn’t been to ground zero since. We were a block away on the corner of Trinity & Rector and I could feel the heaviness in my spirit before I could see it. Even though the site looks much like a construction zone instead of a destruction zone it was undeniable that life altering, world altering events took place there.

Around the corner we discovered an impressive bronze monument dedicated to the memory to the brave men of the NYPD & NYFD who lost their lives on that fateful day. Captain Tim Stackpole’s name was engraved along with all the others. Timmy was a childhood friend. Right now I can see the back of his childhood house from my window. With a huge lump in my throat I fought back the tears, bent down and allowed my fingers to trace over the letters of his name. I prayed for his soul and peace for his family. Ricky & I walked away quiet for a long time.

The night ended with dinner at Dad’s, the whole family showed up. It’s the first time all four kids and Dad have been together in many years. We ate, told old stories, ate some more and brought each other up to date with new stories. I felt loved to the extreme. I even had a cannoli for desert!

Father, thank you for brining me back, thank you for family, for love and for sacrifice. May we never forget. Have your way today, give me eyes to see what you are doing and faith to follow your lead, amen.

© Tom Zawacki 2006

Goin Back ta Brooklyn

I flew back East this morning to visit family. My flight from Pasco, WA to Salt Lake City was uneventful. Salt Lake to JFK was another story. Long flight made longer by weather problems, but I arrived safely none the worse for wear. I took a cab from JFK to my father’s house in Marine Park. It’s been a long time since I rode on the Belt or down Flatbush past Kings Plaza. Each image sparked a childhood memory.

It’s fun to be back in the house I grew up in, so many happy memories and fun stories. My brother came by and we talked and laughed the night away. I’ll be here until Friday morning. Over the next few days I’ll get to spend time with the whole family. It’s been a very long time since my dad had all four of his kids together in one place. Tomorrow will be a day for special pictures.

Before I left, I had a sense that God was sending me on this trip. I suspect I have some type of divine assignment while I’m here. I have a strong sense that God will reveal something significant to me while I’m in the land of my fathers..

I’m stunned to have between 100 – 200 hits a day on this site. Would all the Emancipation of the Freed readers out there please remember me in pray this week? I don’t want to miss this spiritual assignment and I want to hear what the Lord has to say. I believe it is going to be important. I wonder, could it be that I have been brought back to the land of my fathers so that THE FATHER may speak to me? Yeah, it could be just that.

Yo Gad, It’s me, I’m in Brooklyn – yous talkin ta me?

© Tom Zawacki 2006

(Brooklyn Bagles for Breakfast - YEAH!)

Wedding Vows

I had a great night, some friends asked me to help them renew their wedding vows. They were celebrating their 20th anniversary, so they gathered together some close friends, their four beautiful children, some great food and an amazing wine. John, the husband is a gifted vintner. (John, I must get the name of that wine)

Their house was decorated in white lights and candles. I used a brand new wine barrel as my pulpit. The symbolism was powerful, oak panels surrounded by solid rings ready to be filled with new wine encircled by light and fire.

It’s always moving to recite wedding vows in a room filled with married couples. I can see the words penetrate each heart as their minds wander back to their own wedding days. I particularly enjoy watching the bride and groom as they look into each others eyes. At this point in the ceremony it is my custom to look for my wife, steal a glance at her and allow our eyes to lock as I pronounce these vows…

In the Name of God, I, “Tom” take you, “Nadine” to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

Nadine and I have been married for 25 years, like many of you; we’ve tasted both:

• Better & worse, but to tell the truth, mostly better.
• Richer & poorer, mostly poorer at least financially. However, we’re extravagantly rich if you measure our wealth in the depth and quality of our friendships.
• Sickness & health, as the years go by it seems like sickness keeps making a stronger and stronger showing.
  

But, you know what; nights like tonight remind me that I would do it all over again - in a heart beat so long as I knew that Nadine would once again be part of the journey. She has made the good times better and the bad times bearable. Even in the poorest of times she has treated me like a king. And our true riches… our children, our friends, they’re all the fruit from her tree. I’d be hiding in a cave somewhere without her. And oh, that sickness part, no one, not even my mother has ever loved me through long and painful sickness like Nadine.

Honey, you’ve ruined me, I’m yours! Have been for 25 years and I plan to be for the rest of my life. I promise to love you and cherish you until we are parted by death, this is my solemn vow. In no small part, I am who I am today because of the love and sacrifice you have poured into me. I can never thank you enough so I’ll just love your forever instead.

Forever Yours,
Tom

© Tom Zawacki 2006

A Father's Heart

I remember the day I became a father. It was 23 years ago today. My wife had been in hard labor for 18 hours when the doctor recommended a c-section. At that point she was open to anything that would end the pain. An hour later I was introduced to the most amazing little girl I had even seen - before or since. Lisa was 9 pounds, 2 ounces of beautiful! She had the fullest head of hair I’d ever seen on a new born. I was instantly in love.

In my enthusiasm I was running up and down the maternity ward hallways celebrating with anyone & everyone the birth of daddy’s little girl. The nurses finally corralled me and sent me home. They told me it would be a few hours until my wife was awake enough to realize I was even there.

Driving home from the hospital a cascade of thoughts flooded my mind. I had just met this little girl and knew instantly that I was gladly lay down my life for her. I was stunned by the powerful intensity of this new love. Not that love was new to me, I had loved before. I loved my parents and of course I loved my wife. But this love, this was a new kind of love, equally as intense but different. This brand new, only a few hours old love seemed to require an entirely new category within my heart. This wasn’t a son’s love for his parents. It wasn’t a husband’s love for his wife. Both powerful loves to be sure but this was different, this was a father’s love for his little girl. And it was rockin’ my world I had to wonder, had anyone, anywhere ever love a child like I loved my Lisa? At that point, I wasn’t quite sure, we’re talking about an extremely intense love!

Somewhere along Fourth Avenue in Brooklyn it hits me, like a baseball bat to the head, could my parents have actually love ME like this? I knew they loved me but did they feel for me what I was feeing for Lisa? No way, this was freaking me out. As I removed my foot from the accelerator of my tan two door 1976 Plymouth Duster, I began to coast to a stop. If they actually loved me this much it changed everything. Suddenly their stock rose in my heart. And at just about the point my sleep deprived brain was grasping this concept the next wave it. How much greater was God's love than all of this?

I love my parents and I’d just newly discovered the depth of their love for me... in light of this new love birthed simultaneously with my daughter. I’m stunned at the vast immensity of this love when it hits me – God’s love for me IS greater than all of this newly revealed, newly birthed love combined. Wow!

In the past 23 years I’ve learned that the father’s love always gives, always listens, always believes and always forgives. It always hugs and always prays. It sometimes laughs and it sometimes cries. I’ve discovered that daddy’s little girl will always be daddy’s little girl no matter how many birthdays pass. I’ve discovered that when ever I get confused about The Father’s heart toward me, all I have to do is listen to our special song (Butterfly Kisses), see her smile or hear her call my name and I remember how great The Father’s love truly is.

Happy Birthday Lisa, your birth radically changed me that day, thank you. I love you now and I’ll love you always, Daddy.

© Tom Zawacki 2006

My Green Sheet

Check out my son's website at http://www.tomzawacki.com/ He's a graduate of the Art Institiue in Seattle. He working toward becoming a film maker and just posted his latest work titled "My Green Sheet". Check it out and then drop him a line letting him know what you think.
Thanks...
Tom

UPDATE: He put it on You Tube but you can watch it here...


(for hi-rez version go to Tom’s website by clicking here)

Unclean! Unclean!

(Yep, that's our ship! Nadine and I got home a few hours ago. We had a pretty good vacation but seem to have brought home a case of stomach flu, it's nice to be home.)

Unclean! Unclean! Cruise Ship With Norovirus Comes To Port

A Celebrity cruise ship returns to port today after doing the Inside Passage with 115 norovirus infected passengers. You never hear of noroviruses (norovirii?) unless a whole cruise ship or an entire school is infected because they're common enough to be unremarkable. Just some highly contagious digestive issues - When it ruins a cruise, though, we can't let it pass without comment.

Seattle Times says the ship left from Seattle last Friday so they must be talking about the Mercury that docks at Pier 66 in Belltown. It's scheduled to leave again today, so if you're on that cruise and you're just popping in for a little Seattle internet action before you head out, we advise that you not inhale. The ship's probably drenched in bleach.

This is, by the way, the same boat whose captain was arrested for showing up for work drunk two weeks ago. Good times for the crew of the Mercury lately.

Image courtesy of Port of Seattle.

(ht) Dan in http://www.seattlest.com/archives/news_seattle/